Let The Words Fall Out – Jealousy

Say what you wanna say, be brave lyrics

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave…

I’ve tried all of my life to not be jealous. I was never the tallest, or the prettiest. I was never the thinnest or the most popular. As I got older, what I envied changed – I don’t have the most money, or the big house, or go on vacations around the world. I don’t know why jealousy comes so easily to me, and sometimes it’s just annoying. I know I shouldn’t be jealous, I tell myself all the time that I am blessed with so much… but it’s there.

I am so jealous right now.

You see, I don’t know my biological father. I have a name that my mom told me before she passed away, but no concrete proof that this person truly is my biological father. I’ve contacted this person (years ago, like 8) and told him what my mom had told me. Basically, I wanted answers. I was willing to pay for the DNA test. But because of different state laws, he would need to make a doctor’s appointment and have a prescription written for the test. It’s true, I looked it up. But it never happened. I offered to pay for everything. I just want to know. I think I deserve to know – especially having three children, one of whom has cognitive disabilities – I deserve to know my medical history.

Well, this man, my possible biological father (we’ll call him Allen)… he has children. He has a daughter named Amanda (yes, possibly two daughters named Amanda). He told me this during our first phone call (which happened to either be ON his birthday or the day before/after, of course, I didn’t know that).

Allen did agree to send me a picture of himself. I still have it. I’d post it, so you could see if there’s any similarities between the two of us, but I’ll respect his privacy.

We all know the power of the Internet. Because of the Internet – Google and Facebook primarily, a few years ago I did some research and found out some basic information. The Internet is smart. I found my possible-half-sister’s Facebook and reached out to her. We “friended” each other and have been polite with each other since then.

Here’s the jealousy.

She just gave birth to her first child last night.

Allen has his first grandchild – a granddaughter.

But if he truly IS my biological father — he has three grandchildren he’s never met. Three grandchildren who don’t know their grandpa. Who will never meet him. Because why?

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Because he doesn’t care?
Because the DNA test and everything around it is too expensive?
Because he thinks I want money?

I care.
I’ll pay.
I don’t need money.

I want to know my history. I want to know my family, my family history. I want to know if we have anything in common – if we do or say things the same way, like a father and daughter would.

I’m so jealous.

I don’t have a father. My babies don’t have a grandpa (on my side).

Why can’t we just do the DNA test? Why is this so difficult? Why, after so many years, am I still just a lost little girl without a father?

I always hide this and bury it deep down. I’m fairly positive I’ve never blogged about this before. The pain, the longing, the jealousy… I don’t want it anymore.

“Allen”, if you ever read this… my offer still stands. I’m 26, married and have three children and two dogs. My own house, a full-time job, and a life of blessings. I don’t want anything other than to know my family and for my children to know their family.

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Mandi

As the owner of Moments With Mandi, Mandi blogs about parenting, working from home, and everything in between.
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